Happy Birthday Lillian Rose
Samuel John. That was the name we expected to name our baby on this day. Samuel was the name I picked; it didn’t have a special meaning. John, after my dad (Randal John).
Julia Lynn was the original name I had chosen for a girl. Julia because I just liked it. I wanted to call you Baby Jay. And Lynn, to continue a tradition of using Lynn in the middle name for the girls in my family. No one liked these names but me.
Then I was asked by my mother-in-law if I liked the name Lily. I thought it was cute but I didn’t have any attachment to it. Plus I liked full names so if I ever used it I would use Lillian. She then told me Lillian was the name of her Grandmother. So I thought about it. First I had to try adding Lynn to it. Lillian Lynn Lauzon. Nope. Not a chance. Rose was always a name I liked as it’s been passed down to many girls on my dads side. So I tried Lillian Roselynn Lauzon. Still no. Then for the first time I thought of Lillian Rose. And it hit me like a bolt of lightning. My entire body just knew in that moment that I had a Lily... not a Sam, but a sweet baby girl named Lillian Rose. This was around 20 weeks pregnant. From then on I started to buy girl clothing and hide it from everyone. Chances were I was having a boy. Lauzons make boys afterall. 9 boys have been born in my husbands direct family line over 3 generations. No girls. So I didn’t want to tell anyone my feelings in case I was wrong or disappointed. I wasn’t either of those things.
Williams birth was not exactly easy and not at all what I had hoped for. I dreamed of an all natural birth. I prepared for it. I studied it. But of course things don’t always work out the way you hoped. 44 hours it took for him to be born. I went medication free for 38, then was prepped for the OR, given an epidural which then failed and was taken out as quick as it went in, and was waiting for my c section when a new nurse came on, assessed his head, and realized he was just crooked. So she got me in a weird position and he turned and was born soon after. All things considering, it was a pretty good birth. Just not my dream birth.
When I got pregnant the second time I decided to study hypnobirthing (sounds stupid but omg amazing). I wanted the best shot possible to go medication free again. I read books upon books and listened to countless pod casts. I had meditation music, a tens machine, a birthing ball and a massive tub. I was ready.
At 30 weeks I couldn’t feel the baby. It made me nervous. Movements I did feel we’re small. I saw my doctor and we got an ultrasound right away. Baby was fine but measured large. 95% large. We knew from my first pregnancy that my belly doesn’t grow very big. So we monitored the baby carefully. I figured out how to make it move. Grapefruit juice! Made baby dance all night! I got frequent scans. My belly as expected stopped growing but the baby did not. It stayed right along the 95% range. At 38 weeks baby was expect to be around 10 lbs. My doctor suggested to not let me go passed 39 weeks to keep me and the baby as safe as possible during birth. This decision broke me. I know the stats. I work in the hospital. I’ve seen multiple inductions through family and friends. They rarely end in the natural birth that I’ve been dreaming of. I had a week to completely change my mindset. I had to let go of everything I wanted and had to focus on the health of the baby and getting it out safely.
June 26 2018. I was expected to be at the hospital for Induction at 8am. I was there at 7. Danny dropped me off on his way to work. My mom planned on arriving around 10 to be with me throughout the day. I was scared. Nervous. Terrified. But excited and hopeful.
The plan was to insert cervidil, to soften the cervix, then wait to see if contractions started. The resident told me it doesn’t happen often and it’s common to need 2-3 rounds of Cervidil. I planned for a very long couple of days.
I was told cervidil hurt when inserted. It did not. I laid flat on my back for two hours. My mom arrived and we left to go grab lunch in the cafeteria. While walking I was having ridiculous cramps in my butt. I ended up lunging down the hallway trying to stretch the muscle and release the cramp. It did not work. Apparently that was the start of my labor.
I got my first “contraction” around 1230. I use quotations because it was milder than a simple cramp. I didn’t want to even count it but they kept coming. I started timing the cramps around 1. They were every 5 minutes on the dot lasting about 1 minute. But 0/10 pain. I let my body sit like this while I bounced on my birthing ball watching tv and talking to my mom. We laughed at how long this experience would likely be. At 3pm my contractions were then every 2 minutes, lasting over a minute each time, but still 0/10 pain. I decided Danny needed to come home so we can go to the hospital to be checked. My mom disagreed... kept on telling me I’m not even In pain so I’m not in labor. But something was telling me to go in, my contractions were too close together to not go.
I called Danny at 3. He got home around 330. He laughed when he saw me on the birthing ball. I had my tens machine on my back ready to go but it was off. We drove to the hospital just taking, way different than Williams birth when I was swearing at him to run every red light. We got to the hospital at 4:45. I told Danny to go pay for parking while I was getting checked. I apologized to the nurses for wasting their time, that I’m probably still at a 1 as I was this morning, and that I’ll just go right back home. The resident looked at me like I was stupid for coming in if I was in no pain. She was continuously telling me that I wasn’t In labor yet as she was checking me and she stopped... took off her glove and said “well. You’re at a 6”. And I looked at my mom and started crying. I was stuck at a 1 with William for over 24 hours of hard painful labor, then at 4 right up until he turned. To hear that I was at 6cm already, in less than 5 hours and with no pain... it was an absolute dream. Danny came into the room and I got to tell him that we’re staying and having a baby right now. Not in 2 days. Not in 44 hours. Now.
Then the contractions started to hurt. I waddled over to my new room laughing and singing between my contractions, all the nurses were laughing at me saying they’ve never seen someone so happy at 6cm. But I was over the moon. I got my bed up into position and I turned on my tens machine and I was about to tune everyone out when the resident came in to tell the nurses to start oxytocin (a hormone to induce labor) in the next hour. I was shocked. I looked at her and said “I dont need the drip. I’m contracting fine”. She then told me that the contractions would likely stop now that she had removed the cervidil, and that when they stopped I’d be put on the drip. I begged asking if they didn’t stop could I not use the drip. She essentially told me no, that they were going to start it. And I gave her a mental “go f yourself”, turned my head and continued to labor on my own.
I heard the nurses talking saying that as long as I contract 5 times every 10 minutes that they would not start the drip. What seemed like minutes later, I had asked Danny how often I was contracting and he said exactly 5 times per 10 minutes for the last 30 minutes. That made me happy. Again I could hear the nurses talking. I asked them if they were getting the drip ready, and they said I didn’t need it. Damn right I didn't.
I then Felt pressure. A ton of it. And then we lost baby’s heart beat. I had to abandon my comfortable position and go on my back for them to find baby’s heart beat. They found it, but it was dropping too low during contractions when I was in the position I liked. So I stayed on my left side and waited for the doctor. When he arrived he said I was at an 8, he then asked if he could break my water, I let him. He left the room. I said “I need to push” about a minute later. He came back and said well now you’re at a 9.5 and I said well I’m pushing now. Don’t care. And I started.
With William I pushed for 2.5 hours after 41.5 hours of labor. I was exhausted. After one push with this baby the doctor look at me and said “ok, one push and baby will be here. Everyone get ready, we’re expecting at least 11lbs”. I remember looking at Danny like “2 pushes? Is he crazy?!”
“Cords around the neck“
“Daddy cut the cord”
Baby placed on my chest.
Staring into the chunkiest baby face I’d ever seen, it was love at first sight. Again. I kept looking at Danny asking him to tell me if it was a boy or girl. But his face was just pure shock. He kept shaking it and saying “oh my god”. He then poceeded to lift the baby’s leg to confirm, and then told me it’s a girl.
Instant. Joy. Happiness. A dream come true. A dream birth. Perfect in every way. And it brought me my dream girl. My Lillian.
Oh and my mom was in the room the whole time apparently. Didn’t remember that till way after 🤷🏼♀️
I wanted a boy first. And I got that perfect boy. I thought I wanted another boy. I wanted to get one of those “boy mom” shirts. But the second I heard her name I knew. I knew it was her and I knew she was coming. And from the day I met her, one year ago today at 6:42, she’s been a dream. She sleeps, she eats, she crawls, she talks, she waves, she claps. She’s perfect. She’s adventurous and loving. LOUD and demanding. Cuddly, when she wants to be. She loves her mama the most, and I’m not biased, it’s just a fact. And if there’s anything I want her to know as she grows up is to never give up on your dreams. Her dad was my dream. Her and her brother were my dreams. And I’d do anything for them.
My sweet baby girl. My Lillian Rose.
I love you. Happy birthday.